Horrific Dick Grab Leaves Soccer Player Writhing In Pain, Wondering If Opponent Will Call

BBC- Hearts striker Steven MacLean could face a two-match ban for allegedly grabbing Celtic midfielder Eboue Kouassi’s groin area at Murrayfield.

An act directed towards the private parts of a player on the field is now being considered an act of “brutality”.

“It was just a laugh, just a coming together,” the 36-year-old said. “If I went down every time a centre-half niggled me, I would be on my backside all day. It was just handbags.”

Nothing like a handful of cock to send a soccer player rolling across the pitch. Look at that grab! That’s a good, strong handful. You can just tell by how the head is bulging out of the end of his fist that Steven MacLean has spent time in the petting zoo areas of aquariums, abusing sea cucumbers. Guy knew exactly what he was doing. Looked like the beginning of some blowjob scenes where the girl plays with it outside the pants and you’re like, uh, what? Who told you that feels good? He’s wearing blue jeans. Get them off.

All the talking heads are calling this a monstrous act, but that’s bullshit. It’s not a nice thing to do, but MacLean could have grabbed Kouassi’s balls. Instead, he went for shaft, which any guy will tell you is a lot less painful. That’s basically a handjob. Grabbing shaft is the equivalent to a hockey player not throwing punches when his opponent hits the ice. These are the unwritten rules of soccer: if you’re going to grab some genitals, stay north.

Love MacLean’s defense. “It was just a laugh… just handbags.” British men (and yes, Scotland is part of Great Britain) always find a way to justify some over-the-line behavior. I don’t know what “handbags” is, but I’m guessing it’s just the playful term that men use to gloss over the fact that they like grabbing dong. Just handbags! Remember? Like we used to play in grade school?

Yes, Steven. That was fine when our peepees were tiny and malleable. But then we all grew up. And now it’s painful and inappropriate.

PS- hardest I’ve laughed at Sunny this season.